Saddam's Secretary: Mistah
Hussein, box come in mail for you. Big box.
Saddam: Oh,
must be gift from hostile neighbors. Bring it here!
(Saddam carefully
opens box... Boris jumps out)
Boris: I'm
free! I'm free!
Saddam: Boris!
What are you doing here? Have you come to pay the drycleaning bill for
my chaise lounge?
(Boris looks
at chaise lounge which has a permanent faint brown splotch on it)
Boris: Nooooo...
actually I was sent by Bill Clinton.
Saddam: Ah,
Bill... Secretary, remind me to send Mistah Clinton a nice slab of moldy
cheese.
Secretary:
Yes, Mistah Hussein.
Saddam: Now,
if you must be here, stand in that corner and don't touch anything!
Boris: Not
anything? Not even the floor? It might be hard to stand in the corner if
I can't touch the floor.
Saddam: Stupid
yak! You can stand on the floor. But don't say anything or touch anything.
I have important work to do and did not plan on an unwanted guest.
(Saddam sits
at his desk and types information into his computer. Boris hums.)
Saddam: Be
quiet, yak! (throws stapler at Boris)
Boris: Ahh!
(ducks and picks up stapler when it hits the floor) I think you dropped
this. You should be more careful! Someone could get hurt!
Saddam: No,
I'm not that fortunate. (continues with his work)
(Boris, being
bored, takes this opportunity to play a rendition of 'Mary had a little
lamb' using flatulance.)
Saddam: Ah!
You are going to stain the wall, just like you did my chaise lounge! Come,
and stand right here! (pointing to edge of desk)
Boris: Right
there?
Saddam: Right
here.
Boris: But
how can I be here and there at the same time?
Saddam: Yak...
(scowls)
Boris: I'm
coming, I'm coming. (stands near edge of desk) So... I've heard those nicotine
patches work really well... the only trouble is that it's kinda hard to
keep them lit...
Saddam: (growls)
Boris: Hey,
what are you doing?
Saddam: Finishing
the intricate details on a subtle plan to preogressively take over the
world.
Boris: You're
going to take over the world?
Saddam: Yes.
Boris: With
a subtle plan?
Saddam: Exactly.
Boris: Subtle
plan... is that like, flying up into the sky with a big spraying machine
and shooting everyone with processed cheese food and green spam?
Saddam: No,
that is not quite what I had in mind.
Boris: Then
how about sending everyone in the world Bob Dylan CD's and forcing them
all to listen to them at the same time? That would be enough to make me
surrender to your power...
Saddam: Stupid
yak! You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it jumped up, painted itself green,
took off it's clothes and danced on a piano singing "Subtle plans are here
again."
(Boris contemplates
being insulted... decides it is a waste of energy... falls down)
Boris: Saddam?
Saddam: What
do you want now?
Boris: I've
fallen and I can't get up... hey, this is really nice carpet! Polyester
weave?
Saddam: No,
oak panels.
Boris: Oh...
(strokes the floor)
Saddam: (shakes
his head)
Boris: Saddam?
Saddam: WHAT??????
Boris: I
think I love you... (makes kissing noises)
Saddam: Are
you going to let me complete my plans sometime today? And get up off the
floor!
Boris: (picks
himself up off of the floor) What does this button do?
Saddam: That
button releases a launch missile. Don't press it.
Boris: Well...
what does this button do?
Saddam: It
turns on the SDI defense mechanism so we can track foreign objects.
Boris: Oh.
What does this button do?
Saddam: It
turns on the back massager in my reclining desk chair.
Boris: And
this button? (presses button)
Saddam! NOOOOO!!!!
(Boris observes
the computer's monitor go blank)
Boris: oops...
Saddam: That
button deletes my subtle plan to take over the world! (sobbing)
Boris: I'm
sorry!
Saddam: Out!
Out out OUT!
Boris: Out
where?
(Saddam calls
the secretary... tells her to send in the guards)
Guards: Yes,
Saddam.
Saddam: Take
this... thing! Deposit it in the nearest desert!
Guards: Yes,
sir. (dragging Boris out of the office)
Boris: Ooh,
did somebody say dessert? Can we have chocolate ice cream? With chocolate
fudge and chocolate sprinkles?
(Guards close
door)
Saddam: My
guards will take that yak where no one will ever see him again! (evil laughter)
